I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
