I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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