toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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