just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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