Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
someone owes me an orgasm
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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