Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
