All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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