I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
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They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
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Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
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I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.