please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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