we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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