Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
