Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
