I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
