Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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