Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
