we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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