last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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