you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
