Already got asked if we're dating
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
