Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
