two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
