Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
