And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
