if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
