True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
