guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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