Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I need moral support for this bender
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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