Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
