i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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