I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
