some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
