Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
