He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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