Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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