im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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