Banned from zoo.
Again?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
