Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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