I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
