Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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