I think I won the penis lottery.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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