i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
