he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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