Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
