On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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