Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
