he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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