Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
