last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
