I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
