im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
