____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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