Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
