two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
