HIV tests are more positive than that guy
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
