you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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