sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
