i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
