Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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