I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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